The childhood wound and relationship patterns
I use the image of the “wounded child” to speak of childhood experiences that are still present in the way we relate. When those wounds meet in a couple, they can take center stage and pull us away from what we consciously want as adults.
I connect this reflection with the concept of the “shadow” developed by Jung: aspects of ourselves that we do not easily recognize and that can become visible in our attitudes. Sometimes we find it hard to admit them and we hold the other person responsible for what we feel or how we react.
These experiences belong to inventory 1. When studying the charts I also observe contacts that I associate with the expression of those difficult areas or of brighter resources; among them are those of Pluto, which have a text of their own.
The childhood wound has been addressed by psychology and psychiatry. Here I am interested in the question it opens in a romantic relationship: are we trying to resolve in our current bond something that was left unresolved with our father or mother?
For example, someone who grew up with a father or mother who had problems with alcohol may become involved with a partner going through a similar difficulty and take on the task of saving them. In that situation, the wish to help the partner can become mixed with an old need to rescue one of their parents.
We may also recognize echoes of experiences of abandonment, indifference, deception, or mistreatment. They are not destinies that must be fulfilled, but patterns worth examining when we feel we are reliving a familiar pain. Responsibility for abusive behavior lies with the person who engages in it; understanding our history is a way of regaining clarity about what we need and about our decisions.
Some relationships are very hard to end even when we recognize the harm they cause. We may try to leave and come back again and again, in a dynamic often described as codependency. The strength of the bond is not necessarily the same as the well-being we find in it.
Certain stories, songs, and soap operas reinforce the idea of staying at any cost. Sometimes we are also held there by reasons like “they’re a good provider,” “they’re a good father or a good mother,” “I’m afraid of being alone,” or “that’s what marriage is like.” We can end up going round and round the same suffering, like a hamster on its wheel, without finding a satisfying way out.
As I have said in my talks and seminars, what we call love can be the last thing to disappear. The deterioration usually begins with everyday matters that seem minor and pile up until they cover the relationship like a cloud. The moments that used to unite us lose ground and, if we do not attend to what is happening, pain and emptiness can take their place.
As you review your history, look also at those moments of connection: what you enjoyed, what made you feel close, and what place it has in the relationship today.